Today marks the first day of my 21-day fast with my church, and I'm abstaining from calling people who don't reciprocate the same energy. I have attended this church in the past on Sundays, but when life got busy, I started working on Sundays and stopped attending church on Sundays.

I’d watch the service occasionally on YouTube as they streamed it online, but I constantly feel the pressure of needing to attend in person and finding a church that I can fellowship with, especially through the hard times.

I really enjoyed church throughout my childhood. That is where most of my constant friend group was coming from. Making friends was always difficult for me. Church was able to provide strong friendships and give me a foundation to build on.

So, on the topic of fasting… I'm fasting from being the one who always reaches out. Who always initiates. Who always shows up first.

And it's already hard.

I was scrolling through my phone last night, looking at my call history. And I noticed something: I'm always the one calling.

Not sometimes. Always.

I reach out. I check in. I make the effort. And then I wait for them to do the same.

And they don't.

So I call again. Because maybe they forgot. Maybe they're busy. Maybe they just need a little reminder that I care.

But here's what I realized: If I have to keep reminding people that I exist, maybe I shouldn't be calling them at all. More importantly, is this distracting me from my worth and my relationship with Christ?

It's not about being cold or distant. It's not about punishing people or making a point.

It's about respecting my own energy.

I've spent so long being the person who cares more. The person who reaches out. The person who keeps the relationship alive.

And I'm tired.

Not tired in a "I need a vacation" way. Tired in a "I'm pouring from an empty cup" way.

So this fast is about learning what it feels like to only invest in people who invest in me. To only reach out to people who reach back.

It's about seeing who actually wants to be in my life, versus who just likes having me around when it's convenient.

If I'm being honest, I'm scared.

I'm scared that if I stop calling, nobody will call me.

I'm scared that the relationships I thought were real will disappear.

I'm scared that I'll be even more alone than I already am.

But here's the thing: If those relationships disappear because I stop being the one who always initiates, then they were already gone. I was just too busy calling to notice.

For the next 21 days, I'm going to sit with this discomfort and trust in God to help me get through these challenges. I'm going to feel the loneliness of not being the one who always reaches out.

And I'm going to pray. I am going to do my devotions. I am going to talk with God about these feelings and the outcome.

Maybe some people will surprise me. Maybe they'll notice I haven't called and they'll reach out first.

Or maybe they won't. And that will be the answer I needed.

Either way, I'll know. And I can choose from a place of clarity instead of a place of hope and exhaustion.

This fast isn't just about phone calls. It's about a bigger shift I'm making in my life right now.

I just moved into my own studio. I'm playing Fortnite and Apex every night and actually sleeping well. I'm building healthy routines.

And I'm realizing: I don't need to be the one who always shows up. I don't need to be the one who always cares more.

I can just be here. In my space. Taking care of myself. And seeing who actually wants to be part of that.

It's only been one day, and it's already uncomfortable. But uncomfortable is where growth happens.

So I'm going to sit with this. I'm going to feel the loneliness. I'm going to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call someone who won't call me back.

And I'm going to see what 21 days of not being the one who always reaches out teaches me about myself.